In the rain

Walking back home, under my electric pink umbrella, accompanied only by the sound of my heels on the pavement and the music of the rain all around me, with the mixt of the smells of smoke and autumn , with the colored lights reflected in the water, a symphony of senses , I felt like moving in an impressionist painting .

A wish

I wish I was a snowflake, carried away by the gentle breeze, over the silent city, over concrete and stone, over the black shilouttes , to rest on your palm, to be melt by your warm, to become part of your journey..

Today, 20 October 2016

I sat on the cold grass, in the thin air indulging myself in your universe. The few people that walked past my solitary place were casting inquiring glances. The pages in my hand were shivering like a small bird’s heartbeat. With each word I read , I was getting closer to understanding you, still .. there’s a long way till I can put your little infinite in my palm and look at it. 
At the pay desk, a man in his 30s carrying a basket full with greens in his hand was standing in front of me. He turned to me and with a large smile on the face, he offered me his place. I accepted the favor and smiled him back, ignoring his talking and found myself thinking : “it’s easy when you have a pleasant appearance”  
In the car, the driver starts chattering about politics and traffic and other small trivial issues . I treat him with silence. At the radio she’s singing my heart and my thoughts . I close my eyes and there I find myself trapped in one last fool’s dance: “  
“Une derniere danse/ Pour oublier ma peine immense..”  
Je remue le ciel le jour, la nuit
Je danse avec le vent la pluie
Un peu d'amour un brin de miel
Et je danse, danse, danse, danse, danse, danse, danse
Et dans le bruit, je cours et j'ai peur ..
Dans tout Paris, je m'abandonne
Et je m'envole, vole, vole, vole, vole, vole..  
Sur ce chemin en ton absence..

On my way , near my place I look again to that shut door , a simple white on black - from the outside, a lot of questions from the inside ,” today is not the day” I say and move on..
On the stairs , my neighbour, a very old lady with poor eyesight and a grouchy face is staring at me , I say “hello” ~ getting no reply, “she must have lost her hearing too”, I think.. At home, my cat says in her own special way that she missed me.

~ ~And I find you guilty for melting the ice on my window and opening my eyes to the world again.~ ~

OM

Foolish love game - my part

Venice, february 2014

The time for us to finally meet had come. The cool breeze and the slowly floating on the water can calm down just a little my emotions that I can feel deep in my chest, like birds willing to take their flight. The dark water all around me has its own life and story . Only by touching it, for a moment,  I can distance myself from my thoughts. 
The little boat reaches the San Marco square by the time when the last rays of the sun disappear behind the old roofs.I step on the ground and take a deep breathe,as much as my tight corset allows me to do it.The lights and voices around me make me feel like walking into a shiny dream.Everywhere people hide their thoughts and laughs behind their masks and beautiful clothes...I hide myself behind the black lace mask too. Will you be able to see me?! Will I be able to find you in the crowd, recognize you behind your mask!? Was it enough the time that we shared our most intimate thoughts and dreams,the time that you brought smile and light into my life?! Will I find among all these men the one who made my heart flutter with joy and pain? 
  I don't have the certitude that you could make it today, that you kept the promise we made one to another a month ago.I just have this feeling inside telling me that you are here, waiting for me, willing to find me as much as I do.
  Can be that man standing alone next to the street light, watching the people passing by?! I can't guess anything behind the white mask covering his whole face,but he has the same hight and body size as yours. Maybe if I can hear his voice, I will know.. "mi scusi, mi puoi dire per favore che ore sono?" "certo,sono le undici signorina" Disappointment.. ,he replyed to me with such a perfect italian accent.It can't be you.
  The time passes so fast and I still haven't found you yet. Maybe you are not here or maybe you already left. And all because of these stupid rules.The moon is ironically smiling to me from above.. it's like saying to me: "it's your game,Hana" 
My hand is touching the little black mask,with an increasing desire to take it off and shout out loud your name.But I won't do it!Are we really not able to see each other behind the masks, as we really are?!
   My steps already learned all the San Marco square's corners.With a shadow of sadness in my eyes,they take me to a narrow street nearby.I have no wishes nore thoughts left..I only listen to the sound that the silk touching my skin makes, and the sound of my footsteps."It's almost midnight and no sign of you yet,...."
And suddenly I have the feeling of someone following me.I turn around and there's a man standing in the middle of the road.A shiny golden mask with no smile on his face, dark red velvet coat, white shirt with lace collar and sleeves. I could say something but my lips are frozen.He slowly approaches me. What should I do?! what if it's not you?!and there is no one around us.My feet are frozen too.I try to look into his eyes but all I can see is shadow.He is now so close to me that I can feel the perfume coming from his clothes and skin.He touches my face,my lips.. his fingers are cold but it feels like they're burning my skin.He gently whisper to my ear: " I finally found you.."
OM

welcome ~ these days I will translate into english  all my old posts written in romanian ~ so revisit in a while, if you have interest.

About empathy and more

  If I close my eyes and open up myself to the world I will feel the tumult of life struggling and crawling like snakes on the streets  with its passions and pains disguised in so many ways.. as joy, desire, envy, greed, hate.. all mixed in a senseless whirling mass cz all are dancing under the same rules, blind and deaf, closed, limited in their little universes .. disconnected. Even the bright mind that I admire is bathed in the pride that he loves so much and the greatness that he wants and seeks step by step is nothing more than another form of selfishness above mediocrity ..

 What is the source of suffering? what makes people hurt other beings? what makes people hurt each other? maybe the inability to feel what someone else feels, the incapacity of putting themselves in other's shoes? maybe if the hunter feels the fear and pain in his prey he would stop from harming?

 We are unable to extend ourselves beyond our Ego, that Ego that some of us cultivate it as an ultimate goal.. I wonder how many of you could feel the pain in an animal or human and not leave it carelessly behind? And how many would like to perfectly connect to the one you love with your mind and soul? If someone one day invents a device that allows u to connect your mind with the mind of someone else would u try it? maybe just out of curiousity and for a short time I doubt that for life time. Would be hard to bear the burden of someone else;s desires.. when u hardly manage yours.

The night came here with its silence and peace. . less interactions// less potential to harm, with people withdrawing themselves in their own universes..

OM

Sometimes I take a short break from this race that is called life, take a deep breath and then I realize that I'm rushing to where? and all the things that I need or I want at some point just disappear, and all that remains is a blank page. And then the questions come in my mind like ravens to dead bodies 'do I really need these? do I really want this? are mine these feelings ? cz it lookes like I don't need them anymore.I feel empty and clear like a lake where nothing is growing, just water, pure and simple, with no substance or consciousness of itself. And then everything that were choices, desires and will, look like a struggle, looks like I'm pushing myself .. in order to become better, make more money, feel more alive, get more satisfactions, more happy moments, more good memories, discover the meaning of life and even be happy through love. It's like I'm watching myself from outside emptied of any emotions and wonder.. do I need these feelings? or do I need to forget them? can even this be called love?
OM

About my life

written on 11 april 2011
My life .. round circle where past meets the future in a glance & in a short, intense emotion, hard to define. My life.. going to extremes from boring to crazy days and not ordinary experiences..from pleasure to pain, from winning to losing control.. Director & spectator at my own show, stepping outside my emotions, the magician from the other side of the mirror, the one who knows the answers but never holds the keys, the keeper of too many secrets that lost their meaning in the fog of time. The shadow playing with fire and enjoying the game, but screaming inside. Yes, my life.. and now, it's not yet the time to step into the light and look deep inside..
OM

The deep meaning

'Que libres somos cuando sonamos! Las barreras del tiempo, las limitaciones del espacio, las leyes de la logica, las represiones de la conciencia.. todo esto desaparece y somos dioses de nuestras proprias creaciones fugaces.Freud atribuyo una importancia capital a nuestros suenos porque lo que creamos en ellos nos partenece de forma unica.Venia a decir que entender los suenos de un hombre es entender al hombre.'
Our mind is a place unexplored, they are so many things about ourselves that we don;t know and even can't imagine that we could do. We're all born in the same way, with the same potential but very few can pass the barrier of a superficial and material word.Very few look deep in themselves, to see who they really are and where their actions lead them.Yesterday I met an old man, around his 70s, a gentle, simple and opened character.He told me about some unusual experiences in his life.When he was 19 it happened during his study to lose himself from the body and fly .. Those experiences were so alive and unexpected but they didn't last for a long period of time, they stopped like they came, in a big mystery.Was his mind in Theta brain waves?! was he day dreaming?! During that he was that conscious that he was afraid not to 'lift to high and never being able to come back.Years later , one day his daughter,just a little child then, told him that she flew around the garden, he asked her maybe it was just a dream, she was very convinced that she experienced that for real.After 2 years of his mather's death, his sister saw her one night standing in the front door.She asked her for a piece of bread and after disappeared.His sister went to close the door; that night her neighbor's house was robbed, if she had slept with the door opened, who knows what would have happened.
OM

Every season has its own fragrance.
~ Winter has the fresh fragrance of the frozen nature and snow flakes melting on your face, gathering in your hair.The fragrance of the white purity shining like billions of diamonds in the moonlight, the fragrance of the ice flowers on the window, of the frozen water in the laundry left outside to dry in the cold wind. You can find it deep in your memory, in those days when you were just a child and everything was like an enchanted story, with lights and shadows, songs and joy in your heart, emotions and wonders..
~ Fall has the fragrance of decadence.. of nature and life cycle approaching to an end, the fragrance of dead leaves and stagnant water, of endless & cold rains..the fragrance of grapes, quince and apples.. of melancholy..
~ Spring has the fragrance of hope, of a new life, new love.. is the perfume of the first flowers, of new dreams, new beginning, of the spirits that slept too long and now they wanna come back to life.. I think I sensed spring today in the air, when I was walking in the crowd..
~ Summer has the fragrance of the sun, and of dust in the air.It's so strong and has so many flavors, colours and sounds.. it's dazzling like a dance of leaves in the strong wind..I like it the most ..
OM.

This is not an ordinary experience , it's something that most of the people won't experiment in their life .. I wonder where this will take me.. oh, I know I'm being bad, and that probably I'll be punished for my sin, but I'm enjoying my game, and my sin. I'm the cat playing with the mouse .. And I just realised that love is just an illusion.. sometimes it is so easy to create an illusion! and especially women fall so easely in this trap! I've been on both sides .. so I know well ..

About me in love

I can be like a cat sometimes, if you ignore me, I'll just ignore the fact that you ignore me,if you show me the door , I'll come through the window, if you ask me not to do something I'll just do it!! If you ask me to do something there is a possibility that I won't do it .. If you want to love me I might run away from you, If I want to love you, you just can't escape.. I'm very curious and if I find you different I might consider you the object of my study hahah..I'm too independent but I need your love and support kkkk I like to "hunt" for fun and I enjoy playing with my "pray"..Who doesn't love cats and find them hard to understand, cold or perverse means that he won't like me also.. so stay away from me kkkkk

OM

My world

When I was just a baby my mother's smile, voice and smell were my entire world.. When I was just a child my street and my neighbourhood were all I knew , stories and fantasies were mixed with reality & I had my own beautiful small world.. When I was just a teenager secret loves and poems made my days, my world was the town where he lived and the touch of his hand & long conversations were everything that mattered to me..but now that I grew up nothing of these matters anymore...my town is too small for me, my country is not my home anymore, it's like I don't know where my soul is anymore.. and the entire world is not enough for me! OM

The funny story about the little flower bouquet

Tocmai a trecut 8 Martie ziua femeii, a mamei, a fetitei in crestere.. so on..so on.. zi in care fetele/femeile primesc flori de la baieti/barbati sau mai degraba fac schimb intre ele de urari de bine si martisoare :)) de felicitari sau mai comod de mesaje pe telefon si pe internet.. LoL toate astea ma fac sa zambesc.. si m-au facut sa-mi aduc aminte de povestea hazlie a unui mic buchet de zambile.. O prietena primeste de 8 martie de la iubitul ei un buchetel de zambile.. nimic neobisnuit pana aici..numai ca ..el, (trebuie avut in vedere totusi si faptul ca erau de vreo 4 ani impreuna..)o intreaba inainte de a intra in casa parintilor ei.."S. e ok daca il dau mamei tale? ca n-am avut cand sa-i cumpar... " Ea "Da..e ok" ce sa zica.. Seara mama ei trebuia sa mearga in vizita la o prietena.. "S. te superi daca dau florile de la C. lui X?" haha.. si cine stie prin ce maini a mai trecut acel buchet pana sa apuce sa se ofileasca?! Cam asa se intampla atunci cand darurile nu se mai fac din inima ci doar din convenienta si obligatie.. bucuria comerciantilor :p trebuie sa traiasca si ei.. nu?!

OM

Despre prietenie si timp

Exista un singur lucru pe lume pe care nu-l poti schimba, nu-l poti controla, nu se modifica, nu se preschimba in altceva.. si acela este timpul, nu-l simti, nu-l vezi, nu bagi de seama scurgerea lui lenta dar sigura,decat cand e prea tarziu.Este ca o fiinta nevazuta , cu propria viata, care se contopeste cu a ta, cu a fiecaruia din noi. Caci fiecare din noi are propriul univers si propriul timp. Am incercat o data sa ii privesc trecerea lenta, sa-l constientizez sa-l desfac in clipe si fragmente, sa-l pot opri.. , dar nu am reusit, mi-a alunecat printre gene ca apa printre degete.Eram in clasa a saptea in scoala generala si eram de serviciu pe scoala, atunci asa se practica, acum nu mai stiu cum e.. tocmai terminasera de construit corpul nou al scolii, o cladire eleganta si diferita de ce vazusem pana atunci.Eram singura intr-o liniste perfecta si priveam umbrele pe care lumina le varsa pe culoarele lungi si inguste ale scolii.Imi ascultam pasii care isi aveau propriul ritm, diferit de cel al gandurilor mele.Pe atunci iubeam singuratatea, o preferam superficialitatii care ma inconjura iar rutina vietii de zi cu zi ma sufoca. Am iesit afara, era o dupa-amiaza perfecta de inceput de toamna, si ceasul imi arata ca nu peste mult timp va apune soarele.Mi-am amutit gandurile si am inceput sa devin constienta la schimbarile din jurul meu.Am ramas nemiscata privind in departare pe terenul de sport incercand sa surprind procesul de trecere de la lumina la intuneric, culorile care se schimbau, cele pe care inca le puteam percepe si cele care paleau acoperite de umbra.Nuantele care se schimbau, si clipele care treceau.. Am incercat sa opresc in mod artificial timpul, ca un aparat fotografic, si in cele din urma eu am ramas cea pacalita de el. E posibil sa fi durat doua ore.. o ora, jumate de ora, dar la final totul mi s-a parut preschimbat ca pe nesimtite,ca un vis, ca si cum in cateva secunde intunericul pusese stapanire desi statusem atata timp cu simturile toate ascutite.Timpul trece la fel orice s-ar intampla, pentru oricine.. si cu toate astea il percepem diferit. Cand evenimente fericite se precipita timpul e atat de grabit, ca un accelerat pe care am vrea sa il oprim, tragand semnalul de alarma.Iar privind in urma la ce a fost, el se dilata.. in loc de o zi par 2 sau 3.. Cand plictiseala pune stapanire pe tine si numeri secundele pe ceas, el pare mai lent ca melcul si iarasi privind in urma ,neavand nici o amintire a lui, el se comprima in mod inselator.Dar ce m-a facut sa vorbesc atat de mult despre timp? ultima mea postare.. din momentul cand ne-am intalnit prima oara pana acum, cand se apropie plecarea ta.. au trecut ceva luni,, dar au trecut atat de repede ca nici n-am realizat.Parca as fi vrut sa petrecem mai multe clipe impreuna, sa avem mai multe amintiri.. dar pana la urma tot aici am fi ajuns. Si atat de repede .. se pare ^_^ dar cu siguranta ca ne vom revedea , prietena mea !

OM